For better or worse, the entire concept of Facebook memories has changed the way we recall entire swathes of our lives.  When a relationship ends, you can change settings in Facebook so that you don’t see any of the memories involving that person any more, but, where’s the fun in that?  I’ve sat by while friends peruse the daily jaunt down memory lane and cringe at posts about the “love of their life,” knowing full well that ship has long since sailed.

A few days ago, I had one such memory come along.  A post from an ex that highlighted what a good person I was, how nice and thoughtful and giving and generous I was, and how appreciated I was. I use the past tense here because, given the current circumstances, maybe these thoughts no longer apply.  In the wake of accusations and indictments that have since come to bear, my character has been rewritten in that chapter of her story. Fair enough.  This particular memory had a comment from another friend, though, reiterating that I am, in fact, the “cream of the crop.”

I should probably take this memory in its entirety: the context of the situation at the time, the viewpoint of my ex then as well as my friend in their situation then and sock it away for a rainy day. The human psyche doesn’t work that way though, does it? I hover around the idea of this entire exchange and land back where I often do: yeah, but so?  Am I any less single right now because of all of these great character traits?  Being “the crème of the crop” doesn’t matter much if someone isn’t interested in the kind of crop you are. I’ve said for years now: I’m much cooler in my head.

I guess we all struggle a lot with the understanding that our take and viewpoint is only valid up to the point we are willing to accept that it is ours and ours alone. How often are we cruising through our lives, daydreaming as we speed along, totally ignoring the obvious indicators that are telling us that we are getting it all wrong? What’s the saying… when someone shows you who they are, believe them?  Why is that part so difficult for so many of us?

You can’t be in love with the idea of someone, or what you think someone might be, you have to be in love with someone. That’s deeper than living under the same roof with someone, or talking about future plans with someone, or wasting months and years or our lives because we convince ourselves there’s more to all of it than there ever really was.  Being in love with someone isn’t something we do individually, it can only ever be something we do together. If we aren’t doing it with a shared sense of purpose, and with a shared understanding, drive and desire, then what are we “in” at all? I can look back at every failed relationship and pinpoint exactly the moment I should have seen that I wasn’t in anything with anyone else but myself.

There’s something very refreshing about shared sense of purpose and having a partner who is as interested in what they bring to the table to share with you as you are with them. I mean, I guess.  I don’t have much expertise on this at all; it’s something I’ve only watched from the other side of the room.  It’s easy to convince yourself that if you throw yourself all in and give all those things; if you’re a “good person” and “nice and thoughtful and giving and generous” that surely the target of all this effort will love you back, right? That’s the catch, really.  None of it matters if you aren’t what they want. We have to be prepared to walk away at the first indication someone is careless with our heart. Once our hearts have been abused by someone we trusted, we chip away at the ability to trust again. We can’t allow ourselves to risk future happiness and the ability to go all in on someone who is only trying to advance their own agenda.