I nearly died a little over a month ago.  I won’t go into the numbers or the specifics, but, I had an infection in my blood and the general consensus among medical professionals was I am lucky to have survived it, and had I waited any longer to get to the ER I wouldn’t have. Aside from how miserably sick I was, I wasn’t really aware in the moment.  There wasn’t a “life flashing before my eyes” near-death experience.  In fact, it was over the course of several days that the understanding finally washed over me.

What do you do with that kind of thing?  This whole “life is short and delicate and precious” epiphany that’s normally reserved for funerals and cancer diagnoses landed in my lap as I struggle with recovering from being so very ill and also recovering with everything that fell by the wayside at work.  I can’t simply trek up to the top of Everest in a search for more answers or study philosophy or sit around trying to write about it… there’s a lot to be doing. 

The idea of a bucket list, coming up with things I’d like to do before I die but sitting on that list like most everyone else does and thinking “I’ll get around to it” is not going to cut it for me.  I’ve decided on a “fuck it” list.  These are the things that cross my mind as urgent and not worth risking missing out on, so when they pop into my head I’ll just say “fuck it, let’s go!” and do it. I hope to write about my fuck-it moments as they come to light.

 I tried explaining this sort of urgency to a friend recently but she missed the point entirely, so I’ll speak to this in no uncertain terms: right now, in the wake of experiencing the fragility of life, I’m not ok with waiting around on much of anything.  If it’s in my control, I’m going to make it happen and do it when it feels right, let the chips fall where they may, and deal with any fall out after. Since I lost my dad in January 2020 I’ve tried desperately to live a little more mindful of showing people what they mean to me, of taking the opportunity to do the right thing, and of putting as many good deeds out in the universe as possible.  I mean, that’s the minimum any of us can do, right? Tip generously, love fiercely, act thoughtfully.